The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,300 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 38 trips to carry that many people.
Source: The Painful Victory
very feminine experience – (Wanted to save here as a reminder) – So many women go through silently.
All I wanted to say this morning, having got up at 3:30 am because someone couldn’t sleep for the opening of the presents’s too exciting, even though the truth about Santa’s been out for couple of years now, – is that people on the continent, who do unwrap them on Christmas Eve are so much better positioned for remembering the real reason for Christmas. “Or are they?” (you’d smile if The Amazing World of Gumball ring a bell)
Bless everyone and may it be a happy and peaceful time for all!
♥ ♥ ♥
What If I Fall? Oh, but My Darling What If You Fly? – Erin Hanson
Originally Posted by: Lily Daub in All Seeds, Growth, Inspiration August 8, 2015
How many of us are living in fear of taking a leap into flight? A leap into flight out of our comfort zones? Into a new job, a new love, pursuing a passion without a way of knowing the outcome?
This fear, often times, keeps us caged in like birds who are too afraid to fly.
We tell ourselves many lies; convincing ourselves this cage is protecting us from the disappointments, hurts, and of possible failures that may happen if we decide to take that leap. So, we sit as caged birds and daydream of what could be.
What happens if we DO decided to take the leap? What if we DO decide to flap our wings and fly out of that cage?
Some of us will fly, landing safely at our destinations. Some of us will fly, falling short of our destinations. But ALL of us will have conquered the fear of taking the scariest leap of all, deciding to be brave and facing the wind. ALL of us will have experienced flying. Most importantly, ALL of us will have a story about our uncaged journey. What we do with our stories is up to us.
If you are one who has fallen short of your destination, remind yourself that you were at least brave enough to take the risk to fly. Remember, caged birds only daydream. Get back up, flap your wings, and create new adventures you can share.
flickr photo shared by -Delphine – under a Creative Commons ( BY ) license
This article was originally printed at Darouwellness blog:
http://darouwellness.com/what-we-can-learn-from-people-we-dont-like/
By Pamela Bohan, RP, CGT
Projection is one thing that people do that continues to fascinate me in my practice and provides a deep well of information for my patients. In essence it is the act putting something of yourself onto the environment. The environment includes other people, animals, inanimate objects and even our culture. Projection impacts the perception of ourselves and the world around us. As a concept it seems simple enough, however, as a neurosis it is done without awareness and is difficult to spot in ourselves. Often, by way of projection, we are rejecting something we have difficulty accepting in ourselves and it can be painful to acknowledge so the resistance can be strong. If you’ve ever said to yourself or to another person, “I would never act, say or do that” you were projecting. Arrogance, deceit, calculation, aggression and spite are the root of many annoyances and atrocities committed by people. These traits are part of our humanity that every human has the potential to demonstrate given the right conditions.
Before we dive too deep into reclaiming our darkest traits it is important to consider how projection benefits us or, what we would call in the Gestalt Therapy tradition, a health boundary disturbance. First of all, projection is an important part of creativity. Most artists and visionaries are good projectors. You can not create something that you do not already posses yourself. In fact many artists come to understand that they are exploring aspects of themselves through their work even if it is not their intent at the time of their creation.
Projection is also how we are able to empathize. We actually project what we imagine someone is feeling in a situation on to them whether or not it’s true. We put ourselves in their shoes. This goes a long way towards relating with other people. This type of projection has a dark side too, particularly if we are making choices for others or holding ourselves back without checking in first, and can lead to a lot of second guessing or contrived behaviour. Imagine what a first date might be like for someone who neurotically projects in this way. If you have a solid relationship with someone you can gain insight and relief by directly asking to confirm your projections. It’s incredible to find out that something you’re worrying about isn’t even on your friend or family member’s mind.
One of the best opportunities for working with projection is considering people we don’t like. It’s just a reality that some people just rub us the wrong way. Don’t get too hung up on it because there are people who don’t like you either. Some may chalk this up to unresolvable differences but when you take projection into consideration it may boil down to rejected similarities. We often feel dislike for people who embody traits that we don’t like to own up to in ourselves. Projecting is a way to dissociate or keep at distance something we find distasteful that we have rejected because it disrupts our self image. The need to maintain this self image is usually born out of a need to create a sense of stability at a time in our development when the environment wasn’t stable and we were still dependant on that environment. Another unfortunate aspect of unhealthy projection is that it cuts us off from aspects of ourselves that we need to meet our environment. Can you imagine the good use of a so called negative trait like arrogance? Or deceit? Arrogance might be what you need to take a risk or demand your due. Deceit would be helpful in planning a surprise birthday party. Or in a life or death situation to protect an innocent person, such as Jewish children who were placed in gentile homes during the second world war. Despite this we are unlikely to describe ourselves to others as arrogant or deceitful.
A very common thing to do is to project negative traits about our parents on to others. In the moment it is unlikely you will have the knowledge that this is what you are doing, although a sign might be conflict or resentment. It can take some digging around to find out exactly what it is about the non-parent person that is reminding you of your parent. Sometimes it can be the sound of someone’s voice, the style of their hair or something less tangible like their attitude. We also project positive traits onto people that remind us of people we like (including our parents, because they have good traits too!). Of course this means we behave differently around people depending on who we are projecting on to them. Of course there are some people who make good screens for our projections. Authority figures make great projection screens. Ever have a boss you didn’t like? Likely you had some negative projections.
As you can imagine working with projection can get quite layered and can really effect relationships, particularly if you consider that people you are projecting onto are projecting on to you! What this all points to is how strongly our perception of now can be impacted by the past.
Now what you’ve all been waiting for- there is always some truth to projection. Maybe even since you began reading this article you’ve been saying to yourself, “that guy really is a jerk, it has nothing to do with me.” It’s very likely true that he behaves like a jerk sometimes. And isn’t great that he’s giving you the opportunity to explore a shadow aspect of yourself?
Experiment
Think of a person you dislike.
Now identify a few traits about that person that bother you. Are they bossy? Rude? Gregarious? Controlling?
Speak the traits out loud by completing the statement “I am…” For example “I am controlling.”
After you’ve said them out loud it’s likely you felt strongly about one or two of them.
Pick one.
Repeat the statement “I am…”
Now ask yourself when is this true about you? How do avoid being this way? Is there any place in your life that you could use more of this trait but you are fearful of being that way?
Notice what happens with your feeling and your body during this experiment. If you’ve had some strong feelings or resistance you may have touched the surface of a deeply disowned part of yourself and are on your way to reclaiming it.”
This is the kind of exersize we are going to include in iur upcoming course on leaving through your feelings.
The way we present our story directly influences who we are and how we feel. At a discovery session yesterday, a client talked about her feelings of ‘being stuck’, ‘lost’ and ‘moving backwards in life,’ listing all her past trials and ‘failures’. But when I asked what’s happening now, a very different story emerged. She has taken charge of her life on all levels and is going forward however slowly – all in recent weeks. What she did ‘fail’ is to recognise on the emotional level that she has already moved on. And that’s a trick our mind often plays well: it likes to get attached to particular points in our past and dwell on them making us feel the way it was then.
Our mind is a perfect time machine. We don’t need portals and sophisticated technology; it’s all included in our brain. In our minds, we can live in any part of the world and any time past, present or future. The most exciting part: we can feel anything our mind thinks about (that’s what many schools of coaching advise: to dream and visualize your future and attach certain feelings to it in order for the events to happen your way). While this technique really works I don’t advise my clients to use it as there is a price to pay that no one mentioned in ‘The Secret’ book. This is a topic of another blog post on the ecology of success and the answer why the secret works for some and not the others. Back to time travel, I love how this different time dimension is called ‘psychological time’ in ‘The Power of Now’ by Echart Tolle. Our mind can go there any moment and make us live in this alternative reality and feel accordingly.
Like my client’s story was associated with the past few months and years of her life so her current feelings of general unhappiness and dissatisfaction were coming from that period of time. Her mind was disregarding completely what was going on right now right here and prevented her taking it in emotionally. Once we had an inspection of what was actually happening her whole disposition changed in a second, and the shift was palpable even though we were in different continents separated by a mighty ocean conducting our Skype conversation online. She is now free to look forward and create a compelling future for herself starting from today, not from a decade or some months’ old day in the past.
(Claude Monet with ‘The Magpie’ 1868 – 69 and the impressionist who followed suit were the first artists who wanted to have the present moment’ impression and nothing else in their paintings).
So this exercise called Reality Check is almost always the first thing we do when starting coaching. However uncomplicated it sounds, people often have trouble leaving their ‘psychological time’ and starting to recognise the real physical time and their own full presence in it. It took me, like many other people, several years to get out from my own past story-expectation and realize that nothing is real except for the present. The past is mind’s ability to remember and the future is its ability to imagine. And those abilities are always skewed by our current outlook. If we are positive and upbeat, the mind will fetch good memories or even paint bad memories good. And if we feel optimistic in the present, our future will look bright. When we are experiencing a low point, the past will make us depressed or nostalgic, the future prediction often will be doom and gloom and make us feel uncertain and even panicky and incapable to act. The reverse is true, as in my client’s case, when we go over and over the situations in the past, we re-live and feel those situations instead of what’s happening now.
Another way our mind never lets us live right now is that we react from the past experiences and project from our fears of future, we almost never deal with and create from what it is. That’s why we need shocking amusement park experiences, boot camp endurance exercises, or like in one woman’s case, her husband’s mountain climbing ‘addiction’ – to force the mind to pay attention to the here and now. The bliss and happiness associated with those extreme life situations we often attribute to the feeling that we achieved something, when in reality we just had a glimpse of present moment and the emotion of awe and serenity attached to it however briefly.
Failing to organise all those unusual activities, we need a reality check as a daily routine in our life. So we are always grounded in the here and now and get the feeling of it systematically. Once this is in place we can live more or less consciously and have adequate perceptions of the events and interpret them in the way that help and empowers us. This way we can use our mind as a practical instrument for getting useful information we know from the past, planning and assessing current tasks and future goals, and we then can own our feelings of joy and happiness, unhappiness and anger and the whole rest of the emotional pallet of what is happening right here and now. That’s called living, everything else is remembering and imagining.
I hope you are well! I have been meaning to send you some feedback for ages now – so sorry it has taken me so long to getting around to doing it.
I feel so grateful to have met you and to have had the opportunity to experience your wisdom and very special coaching style. I immediately felt at ease with your quiet confidence and warmth, and your careful, intuitive listening. Your passion for women and the woman’s role in the household was very evident, and made me feel affirmed and valued in a way that I hadn’t even realised I needed. You responded to my feedback after a couple of sessions with humility and integrity, and as a result I felt we were able to move to a new level of understanding. I love that you are so transparent and honest about your own issues and experiences. Not only was this helpful in a practical sense, but it allowed me to feel more connected, reminding me that we are all on a journey – there is no ‘final destination’, we are continually learning and growing. I think, as a result, I was able to trust and be open with you in a way I would never have believed possible in just five sessions.
I thought I came to you for help with ‘goal-setting’, to work out what I wanted to ‘achieve’ next in that precious time in the mornings that I’ve carved out for myself . But I actually came away with something completely different, something I hadn’t realised that I needed much, much more; a deeper acceptance of my feelings and emotions and a renewed love for myself and my ‘inner child’.
The day after our last session I happened to come across Elizabeth Gilbert’s description in her book ‘Big Magic’ of the way she deals with fear. She says she accepts it as evolutionarily useful and therefore unextinguishable – and so let’s it sit in the backseat of her ‘car’ but never, ever lets it drive. This has been such a useful analogy for me to adopt and adapt. Every morning now as I start meditating I picture myself in the driving seat of my ‘car’. In the backseat is my ‘inner child’ on one side with her ‘baggage’ – fear, anxiety etc. right next to her. I turn around and give her a big hug and tell her how much I love her, wrap her in blankets, and ask her how she feels today. I listen and acknowledge her – and then remind her that she probably won’t be coming in the front today, that I’m in charge of driving now. I acknowledge her strength and assistance with playfulness and fun and creativity though, and let her know that there will be times I’ll call her into the front to join me, just as long as she leaves all her ‘baggage’ in the back.
It’s truly incredible how much this perspective has helped me – but the fact that I can do this at all is so much down to you – so I really can’t thank you enough!
I realise this is probably not quite the sort of testimonial that’s useful for your website etc – sorry about that, I just found it much easier to write directly to you! But please feel free to change to the third person/ edit or do whatever you need to it if you do want to use it for that purpose.
Very best wishes,
Xxx
Ashley Rose, Psychotherapist, Washington DC, 31 July 2015 Dana is a compassionate, intuitive coach whose awareness feels spiritual. I was working on opening my heart back up to emotions and relationship and her openness helped me to do so. She was very present, truly was a person with love and guidance. I will not forget how touched I was and more ready I felt for connection with others. Dana has amazing awareness… read more here…
Dyann Heward-Mills, Partner at Baker&McKenzy, Founder of ‘ChilternEscapes’, June 2015 My coaching sessions with Dana are always insightful. Dana’s extensive wisdom and experience has helped me enormously to cut through the fog of fear. With Dana’s support, I have been empowered to pursue my callings. Dana has coached me to establish a successful well woman retreat. In addition, Dana’s tools and insights have helped me to catapult my legal career whilst maintaining a happy, balanced, family life. Dana coaches with a powerful blend of razor-sharp perception, authenticity, warmth and empathy. Dana’s coaching is invaluable. Be prepared to uncover new truths buried deep within and to be taken to new heights of fulfilment… read more here…
Sonja M Zglobicka, Fashion Design Grad, London, July 2015 I contacted Dana because I felt stuck. I was confused, depressed and I was spinning in circles with my career and personal life. I had a lot of self-doubt and although I had a vision of where I want to be, I had no belief I can actually achieve it one day. During the first session with Dana I was challenged to say out loud that ‘I’m enough’ and ‘I’m ready’. I’ve never realized that my self-confidence about my skills and abilities is so low that just saying those words to another person was a huge struggle. It made me realize that I really needed help to overcome those boundaries within me, and with Dana’s support I really felt it’s possible.
We started to unfold my limiting believes and Dana inspired me to look at the world from a different perspective. One of the revelations that came to me during our sessions is related to my brother. Our relationship was one of the main reasons for my low self-esteem, which for so many years had made me believe I’m not capable to be successful in life. Through discussion with Dana I was able to understand the source of the problem and overcome it, which was a great liberation. I felt like a new chapter has opened for me in this moment of awakening and finally I started believing in change.
During 6 weeks of my coaching program I have started to… read more here…
There are three basic components to meditation that makes it so magically reviving. First – body relaxation – obviously tensed muscles create stress so the opposite is good, complete short term drop of tension.
Second – the mind is taken off its usual worry circuit and into an empty plain, which again gives the body a chance to relax and recoup instead of constantly reacting to our thought process. This state of calm means that the body could begin to self-heal.
The third one might come as a surprise to some people. During the proper meditation the breathing activity slows down. There are longer intervals between each exhale and inhale (the pause before the next inhalation). And the breathing becomes shallower like in a deep sleep.
This third effect I would like to look at more closely today. As it’s also the cause of profound healing that is happening to the body during and as the result of meditation. Yogis for the longest time were practicing pranayama – the art or technique of controlling and slowing one’s breathing ascribing wonderful properties to such practices. The extreme example was of some ascetically accomplished persons to stay underwater for about 30 days without breathing.
Yet we all know that oxygen is absolute must for our body cells to support life. So we are always advised to inhale deeper and keep it longer inside before exhaling. It took a scientist totally unfamiliar with yoga to prove the deep breathing wrong. Konstantin Buteyko, Soviet professor of medicine, claimed that deep breathing only increases the amount of unusable oxygen in the blood stream which doesn’t guarantee but hinders its reception by the body cells. He is said to help Prince Charles to overcome his horse hair allergy, who referred to controlled breathing as a real help to allergy and asthma sufferers in his passionate essay for The Guardian in 2004.
The controlled breathing method is based on the fact that proper absorption of the oxygen is dependent on the level of CO2 (carbon dioxide) in the blood. At maximum it must be equal to 6.7 % in the blood stream. Routinely people have up to 3,7 %. By slowing down the breathing process and making it shallower the body’s ability to retain CO2 increases which then supports the ability of the cells to receive oxygen from the blood stream.
By practicing slower and shallower breathing for couple of weeks you can increase the level of CO2 (which body produces naturally as the result of its function) by one to two points. At such a mark things like asthma and other respiratory illnesses including allergy immune disorders are claimed to improve to the point on nonexistence.
The Buteyko method of controlled breathing recommends practicing relaxation with slower and shallower breathing 15 minutes three times a day. This brings us back to meditation. Its profound healing effect does have a scientific basis although not widely recognised.
© Dana Johnson
I believe relationships are at the core of our being. From early days of mother-baby then father-child, siblings connection and eventually life partners – these are the corner stones that give shape and meaning to all what we do. I lived my adult life in running away mode until my thirties and then spent a decade reconnecting with my family and started to have ‘towards’ goals. I discovered my heart finally at the begining of my fourth decade. I’m so grateful for this awakening to happen and feel that I can give so much to others to find or heal their hearts, too. There are two ways we learn in life from personal experience which often means suffering or through wisdom that exists in the body of knowledge others could show us. So I went through both. I spent the last few years studying Vedic psychology and learning from the masters in the field of life coaching. I begun working with women on all kinds of relationship issues.
My new web page ‘Relationship Skills for Women’ contains my current individual and group coaching courses for women who would like to be or already are in a relationship as well as information about coaching on all family concerns. Check it out below what is there for you:
Relationship Magnet – You are single and looking for a great committed long-term relationship.
Learn what you can influence and control in your life in order to find, attract and keep the right person and build a stable relationship. Explore what is in your current reality and mindset that precludes you from selecting, connecting and staying with the one for you. “Relationship Magnet” is an individual or group course for up to 8 weeks. Book a group of 6 – 10 girlfriends and up to two will have it for free. Call 07917376004 for a free 15 minute consultation. Email to arrange Skype or other web supported connection.
Relationship Bliss – You are on top of the world and happy as happy can be, so why would you need a relationship coach? Learn the secret of how to stay blissfully together even after the initial infatuation is over and everyday reality sinks in.
There are four components to every relationship – mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. In the beginning it’s usually one or two that attract people to each other and if the other two or three are not aligned and present our happiness is often as fragile as a bubble in the air. Learn to master all four of them as well as skills of loving communication and confrontation, and enjoy life to the fullest. This course is available as individual or group coaching; give it as a gift to your hen party, flower girls, or girlfriends and get a discount. It’s a three-week course for a woman who wants to know exactly how to keep happiness and grow in it together with her partner. Inquire to schedule your own sessions or join a group. Call 07917376004 for a free 15 minute consultation. Email to arrange Skype or other web supported connection.
Relationship Check-up or ‘MOT’ – You’ve been and weathered together a little or a lot and are now at a stage of an open plain, m.b. even a plateau, or is that a fork on the road ahead; or your family situation is changing with new children on board, children growing or emptying the nest. Whatever the reason, something is changing or standing still without a breeze for some time.
Before boredom and casualness sets in there is a spark that could be reignited, brought back or a new flame found, fresh air let in. As a woman you hold the reins of the relationship. It’s up to you to wish it to a completely new level. This four-week individual or group course will examine your possibilities of growing and expanding your relationship and establishing even deeper and satisfying connection. Book your group and one comes free. Call 07917376004 for a free 15 minute consultation. Email to arrange Skype or other web supported connection.
Relationship ‘SOS’ – Wait, it’s not the time to panic. It is time to take control and see clearly what works and what doesn’t and why.
Then it’s time to learn what could be done to change what is not working. It’s time to take action and know precisely what steps to take to turn things around. It is almost never too late. It’s a question of one’s dedication, effort and belief. Come to the individual or group sessions for 6 weeks initially and reverse the situation no matter how hopeless it seems at present. Call 07917376004 for a free 15 minute consultation. Email to arrange Skype or other web supported connection.
Relationship In the Family – Are your close relations causing you pain, are you struggling to find love and understanding with your parents, siblings or children?
Take action to bring peace and comfort in every relationship that is misunderstood or hurting and taking away from your current happiness and confidence. These vital life connections affect all other spheres of our lives, they are the blood that fills the vessels of our success and social standing and building stones of happy intimate relationship. When these primary ties are at fault, quite often our life power is drained and purpose is missing. Bring back the love or establish the connection anew with your mum, dad, brother, sister or child and your wings will soar again. This is a an 8 to 12 week individual or group course. Call 07917376004 for a free 15 minute consultation. Email myinnerpowercoach@gmail.com to arrange Skype or other web supported connection.
© Dana Johnson 2015
