‘The Hen Do’ – Relationship Coaching

My Hens

‘My boyfriend loves me!’ a realization that came to one of the participants of our relationship coaching – after understanding the nature of feminine and masculine energies and the way they relate and communicate differently. We had another wonderful Hen Party at Chiltern Escapes last Saturday. 

I’d like to share the scope of these differences with you. We all agreed that in order to keep our relationships happy we have to give and serve each other. A little joke like ‘divorce is 50/50, marriage is 100%’ went a long way with our conscientious ladies. We took a quiz on three levels of love to see if we are ‘takers’, ‘bargainer’ or ‘givers’ in our relationships. And most of us scored pretty good. But what happens in life – we get frustrated about giving and at the end of it is often a feeling, ‘I gave you all I had and what!?!’

We often give what we think is good for the person or the thing we’d like to receive ourselves. In reality it could be very far from what your partner/spouse really needs. Although all of us have universal human needs the meaning of them varies from individual to individual. The most basic divide begins with feminine and masculine fulfilment of those needs. This polarity between the two energies creates challenge in the relationship but at the same time is a spark that ignites the love flames and keeps them going. When familiar with the truth of it it’s easier to navigate the deep and the shallow. E.g. for sex – to quote Tony Robbins – masculine needs only a place, feminine needs a reason. And this is a huge fundamental principle not to laugh about.

Feminine needs to be safe, seen, and understood. Masculine needs to be appreciated for results; accepted as a leader and left alone. If a feminine needs attention 100% of the time, the masculine hates it. So once he said ‘I do’, he thinks it’s enough for the rest of their life. But she will test his love daily if not hourly.

Masculine needs to believe that his actions will and can make feminine happy. This is the bedrock of a happy relationship; if a man doesn’t feel that his actions make his woman happy he cannot function or stay in such relationship or be fulfilled. Because the sole purpose of the masculine is to please feminine, to protect, provide and lead. That is why in a longer relationship coaching course for women we ask them to start a journal of all the very smallest things that their partners do for them that makes them happy. When a woman believes that his actions do/can make her happy her man changes even without verbal expression of appreciation by her.

The next difference is that our analytical brains connect differently to our ability to feel, receive and process sensory information. Masculine has a great disconnect between those two. The masculine will focus on one thing at the time and feel only that thing. It gives a huge advantage on goal setting and achieving but at the expense of feeling all the rest of the world. So when a man is focused on his work e.g. at home at the computer and his woman goes around in a new dress… wait for the trouble. She might feel ignored and unloved while he is just being focused on the task.

Even more so in stress, masculine needs to be alone and quiet in order to process all the thoughts and ‘archive’ them properly in their mind. Well, feminine needs to talk the stress through. So imagine two of them at the end of a stressful day, one needs to be alone and quiet the other needs to talk. So here comes the 20 minute end of the day rule: a man needs to listen to his woman patiently without advising or solving or judging her, but a woman needs to leave him alone to recoup for 20 minutes.

When tired and stressed each women and men tend to behave in a  style of the opposite energy. Imagine if naturally a feminine woman is thought to be loving, caring and gentle, when pushed to limits she becomes the opposite: withdrawn, sharp-tongued, disconnected and oh, not so soft at all (chose your own). Such things happen because of our natural hormonal build up. During any kind of harsh times, we cope due to production of stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol by the adrenal glands, but when they become depleted in a situation of prolonged and intense pressure, they start borrowing from our sex hormones.

The trick is that women and men produce the male hormone testosterone, the confidence hormone, when engaging in goal-oriented activities. In a male body the hormone production becomes a rechargeable circuit. In a female body it’s a one way street because the adrenal glands borrow from female hormones such as progesterone and estrogen. And these female hormones, unlike testosterone, are produced in a quiet and peaceful atmosphere, during such ‘female’ activities as girly get togethers, pampering at the spa, napping on your own bed, knitting, sewing, embroidering, nature walking, hobbies and crafts. In other words, anything that is process and love oriented rather than deadline and results achieving.

We also discussed stages of marriage that every couple is likely to go through and a secrets of a long happy one. It’s a topic for another blog post. For younger participants of our coaching session it probably sounded like a touristic itinerary whereas older women who had experience of long-term relationship resonated with it very much.

All this was a huge revelation full of ‘aha’ moments for our ‘hen’ ladies, as I heard from them at our afternoon one-on-one consultations (during which we also laughed, hugged and even cried a bit). It seemed that each of these women took home their own discovery however big or small.

 © Dana Johnson 2015